COFFEE NERVES of the Times

Suppose my wife, if I have a wife, wears boxer shorts. Or my sister, if I have a sister, eats ragweed Maybe my son, if I have a son, kisses goats and my best friend, if I have a best friend, dislikes me. If the mayor of my home town, if I have a hometown, thinks about feet in the town square on Sunday mornings, or the Librarian in my home town, if I have a home town with a librarian in it, fondles a picture of God dressed as Arnold Schwarzenegger in church, if there's a church in my home town, if I have a home town; would I drink coffee? How fast? How much?

The next question is, if my wife, if I have a wife, stops wearing boxer shorts, or my sister if I have a sister, stops eating ragweed, or my son stops kissing goats, if I have a son, or, assuming I have a friend to begin with, the friend stops disliking me and the mayor of my home town, if I have one, stops thinking about feet in the town square, if there's a town square and, if the Librarian in my home town, if it has a librarian stops fondling the picture of God dressed as Arnold Schwarzenegger in church, if there is a church, how would this effect my coffee drinking?

Now if the Librarian in my home town, if I have a home town, if my home town has a Librarian, or a library for that matter, finds something better than God dressed as Arnold Schwarzenegger even if she isn't from my home town, and has her own home town. But if she doesn't have a home town and kisses God as Arnold in a church in a town that's the closest thing to a home town, but isn't a home town to her, or she moves to a town, that if it could be a home town, would be? And if the church in that town that isn't her home town, but could be a good place to fondle God dressed as Arnold, if there is an Arnold, would she? Or she finds a substitute for church, assuming there's a church in the town that might be her home town, if she has a hometown, if she suddenly starts wearing boxer shorts, would she be my wife, if my wife wears boxer shorts, if I have one? Would I stop drinking coffee?

Suppose there isn't coffee. Would my wife even think about boxer shorts? Would the Librarian in my home town, if I have one, fondle God dressed as Arnold, if there is one? If there isn't, would she still imagine there is, or would she go to church if there is a church and not think about it? If there's a substitute for God dressed as Arnold Schwarzenegger, would the Librarian think about that in church, if there's church, or outside the church in her home town, or my home town if we live in the same one, if we have the same home towns with churches in them, or not?
Suppose my wife knows there isn't any such thing as coffee, even if there is? How does this affect my relationship to the sun? Does it come up, or not? If there is a sun to come up, will I go back to coffee if I gave it up, even if there isn't any?
If I don't have a wife, would the Librarian have a substitute and would it be boxer shorts. Maybe my son wouldn't kiss goats because I wouldn't have a son, assuming I'd have a son with my wife. But my sister, if I have one, might still eat ragweed, and yet, she might not, if I didn't drink coffee. Or if the Librarian didn't find a substitute, would her thinking about a substitute effect my coffee thinking, if there is coffee, or a substitute for coffee? Would her thinking have anything to do with how much sugar I put in my coffee, if there's sugar? Would the sugar substitute part of my thinking about coffee and if that could change my relationship to the Mayor of my home town, if I have a home town with a mayor in it, would it, and would I?

If I put this substitute for sugar, if there's sugar, in my coffee, if there's coffee, would this change my wife's relationship to boxer shorts, if there are boxer shorts, if I have a wife? And if I do, would the mayor stop thinking about feet in the town square if there is a town square in my home town? Or if he isn't in my home town, if there is one, how many sugar substitutes, if there's sugar, or sugar substitutes, would it take him to think about feet somewhere else, if there is a somewhere else with a church and a Librarian with a home town. Or there isn't? And finally, suppose the Librarian doesn't live in that home town, but if she did would she sit next to the Mayor in church, if there's a Mayor to sit with. And would the Mayor confine himself thinking about feet on Sunday mornings, if there are Sunday mornings to confine oneself to, or would he go back to the town square that may or may not exist?
One final, final question comes to mind. If there's no Librarian and no Mayor, or the Librarian can't find a substitute, if there is one, for sugar, or Arnold, or sugar substitute, would it affect how much coffee the Librarian drinks? And would the fact that the Mayor doesn't exist mean he might have become my wife, assuming she wears boxer shorts, if I have a wife? Or would the Mayor, who doesn't exist, be the friend who dislikes me, and would the friend stop disliking me or would he stop thinking about feet in the town square if there's a town square with ragweed for my sister if I have one? Or would the goat my son kisses, if I have a son by my wife who might not be, eat the ragweed in the town square that may or may not be if I have one, if my coffee drinking stops, assuming of course, that there's coffee.