Monday, September 15, 2008

Coffee Nerves and the NEWS

Suppose my wife, if I have a wife, wears boxer shorts. Or my sister, if I have a sister, eats ragweed. Maybe my son, if I have a son, kisses parakeets and my best friend, if I have a best friend, dislikes me. If the mayor of my home town, if I have a hometown, thinks about feet in the town square on Sunday mornings, or the librarian in my home town, if I have a home town with a librarian in it, fondles a picture of John McCain dressed as God in church, if there’s a church in my home town, if I have a home town; would I drink coffee? How fast? How much?

The next question is, if my wife, if I have a wife, stops wearing boxer shorts, or my sister, if I have a sister, stops eating ragweed, or my son stops kissing parakeets, if I have a son, or assuming I have a friend to begin with, the friend stops disliking me and the mayor of my home town, if I have one, stops thinking about feet in the town square, if there’s a town square and, if the librarian in my home town, if it has a librarian stops fondling the picture of John McCain dressed as God in church, if there is a church, how would this effect my coffee drinking?

Now…if the librarian in my home town, if my home town had a librarian, or a library; found something better than John McCain dressed as God, if the church in that town that isn’t her home town, but could be a good place to fondle John, if there is a John, would she? Or she finds a substitute for church, assuming there’s a church in the town that might be her home town, if she has a hometown, if she suddenly starts wearing boxer shorts, would she be my wife, if my wife wears boxer shorts, if I have one? Would I stop drinking coffee?

Suppose coffee doesn’t exist. Would my wife even think about boxer shorts? Would the librarian in my home town, if I have one, fondle John dressed as God, if there is one? If there isn’t, would she still imagine there is, or would she go to church if there is a church and not think about it? If there’s a substitute for John dressed as God, would the librarian think about that?

What if my wife knows there isn’t any such thing as coffee, even if there is? How does this affect my relationship to the sun? Does it come up, or not? If there is a sun to come up, will I go back to coffee if I gave it up, even if there isn’t any?

If I don’t have a wife, would the librarian have a substitute and would it be boxer shorts? Maybe my son wouldn’t kiss parakeets because I wouldn’t have a son, assuming I’d have a son with my wife. But my sister, if I have one, might still eat ragweed, and yet she might not if I didn’t drink coffee. Or if the librarian can’t find a substitute, would her thinking about a substitute effect my coffee thinking, if there is coffee or a substitute for coffee? Would her thinking have anything to do with how much sugar I put in my coffee, if there’s sugar? Would the sugar substitute part of my thinking about coffee change my relationship to the mayor of my home town, if I have a home town with a mayor in it?

If I put this sugar substitute, if there is sugar, in my coffee, if there is coffee, would this change my wife’s relationship to boxer shorts? Would the Mayor stop thinking about feet in the town square, if there is a town square in my town? Or if he isn’t in my home town, if there is one, how many sugar substitutes, if there’s sugar, would it take him to get him to think about feet somewhere else, if there is a somewhere else with a church and a librarian with a home town. Or there isn’t? And FINALLY, suppose the librarian doesn’t live in that home town, but if she did would she sit next to the mayor in church, if there’s a mayor to sit with. And would the mayor confine himself to thinking about feet on Sunday mornings, if there are Sunday mornings to confine oneself to, or would he go back to the town square that may or may not exist?

One FINAL, FINAL question comes to mind. If there’s no librarian and no mayor, or the librarian can’t find a substitute, if there is one, for sugar, or John , or sugar substitute, would it affect how much coffee the librarian drinks? And would the fact that the mayor doesn’t exist mean he may have become my wife, assuming she wears boxer shorts, if I have a wife? Or would the Mayor, who doesn’t exist, be the friend who dislikes me, and would the friend stop disliking me or would he stop thinking about feet in the town square, if there’s a town square with ragweed for my sister, if I have one? Or would the parakeet my son kisses, if I have a son by my wife who might not be, eat the ragweed in the town square that may or may not be if I have one, if my coffee drinking stops, assuming of course, that there’s coffee.

1 Comments:

At September 29, 2008 at 6:59 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice Blog David, My how times change. Our Newspaper is half the size it was a month agao as is the staff.
Rod

 

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